staring out your window waiting for a change a car to pull into your driveway a means to escape afraid of what's on the other side of the door that you can't seem to face an image in the doorway, faded, but you recognize my shape and i'm still standing here it's not fair, i wanted happiness but i'll settle for whatever feels the closest

waking up three minutes before i need to get up out through the door step on the pavement and walk remind myself what i'm still here for before i forget and give up on the drive home you said i couldn't get out of your head ...or so you said... i'm not entirely sure what to believe anymore

you're the saliva building up in my mouth i spit it out and you're helpless, lying on the floor, but i walk away and go on with my day

i wish i wasn't the one who calls you then hangs up right when you answer the phone

heavy thoughts on hillside feeling the world slow down in my head am i down or just a piece of trash? who's to blame but myself? staying between the yellow lines is only hard at night [poem by matt amandola] there are holes in my hands i like to pretend they're not there i like to put them in the back of my mind or simply imagine they don't exist but that's hard to do when everything i try to hold onto slips right through them and i can feel them ache a dull pain that never fades it never leaves my mind and slowly drives me insane and sometimes it makes me think that this might be a mistake and that maybe i shouldn't ignore these little gaping holes in my hands but i'll keep on pretending anyway and once again everything good just slips away when something beautiful and elegant gently floats into my palms and embraces my grasp and greets me with a smile and i smile at it back with some childlike naïveté believing that this good thing will stay that it won't reach these fissures these holes that taunt me everyday and for a moment i am weightless and for a moment i can breathe and for a moment i can say i am finally happy i've got something i can hold onto i've got something that i can finally call my own i've got something i can finally care about something that depends on me and i equally depend on it trusting that i won't ever drop it and that i'll keep it cozy in my palms forever until eventually it slips away and it passes through my riddled broken hands and reality hits and it's gone for good because i can't control it from slipping through everything i've ever cared about and ever will care about will slip through my fingers

i'm praying for the worst for my friends so that i can feel better if i'm doing better than they are, then maybe i can feel better because the night is the best and the worst part of my day the morning is just a haze i'm never even somewhat awake

a disguise head hanging low under the night sky a misguided mind sitting on top of a shallow spine think of why you'd even want to spend your night on some boring conversation i don't mind, i'd just rather not waste my time it's almost like no one's even interesting anymore

i'd rather paint these walls white than to spend another night out with you i might just go insane if i don't find my way get back to where i've never been before

i'm waiting by my window for you...i don't want to laying in bed alone with no one on my mind winter night a simile you wrote three years ago still stuck in my head, i'll know it forever walking slow through the snow a terrible thought of not making it home

coming undone at the seams spilling onto the concrete asleep at the wheel i'm sleeping while i'm standing here safe in your bed imagine not feeling safe in your own head i think i was born to waste my life and wait to die i was never destined to be alive so i'll take another night to pretend that i'm alright

i'm sick of everything pretty much sick of everyone i meet i'm gonna find a place to sleep and just forget about the memories

i fell down today after a night outside and i wanted to sit next to you but that's not okay with you if i only was to talk to you, would i have to chance to? if i wanted you to stay, i know i wouldn't say it