i was just trying to make conversation the awkwardness was sinking in now i'm regretting my actions it's a waste of my breath stuck in my head i'm seeing myself a lot nothing lasts though i'll see you when i'm back so i'll go for a walk and kick the dirt thinking of what i could've said i couldn't say a thing, and now i'm nothing i'm nothing without what you said to me now you're gone and you've left me in two or three weeks i'll be fine, i just need to find some time to think would you ever regret talking to me?

i want to see you alone in your room doing the things that no one knows you do i get distracted, that's true but i feel like i'm never really getting over you no secrets, except a few i'm feeling a little bit confused do you want me to talk to you? or should i just move on? winter's almost gone there's nothing else i want to do than to be with you

i just thought i'd see you more i figured you might miss me back but i heard you talking the other night you said you started missing him again i just thought you'd see me more start thinking what it'd be like and maybe you'd think of me start feeling the same things at night and maybe you'd ask me "what'd you do today?" and maybe i'd catch you on the front porch like always messy hair and singing soft to the garden smile when you see me 'cause when i wake up, i sing to you but you're not here, so what's the use? now you're alone and you tell me you didn't hold on tight enough

i put on your cd i couldn't shake the feeling of regret and now my eyes are sinking into my face i'm getting overwhelmed it's a joke i'm telling all wrong (that i'm not telling right) it's my middle school fears, it's the first time i had to walk home i imagine you without your glasses it's strange how so quickly the way i see you can change my vision starts to blur i'm seeing you and it's for the first time but i'm too dependent on these feelings and i can't refuse to make a change stop pretending that you don't see them i'm too quick to blame my edge in the rearview mirror, you hold a smile and i feel brave (i feel strong) i'm feeling like myself

at two a.m. i'm staring out my window how did this semester go so fast? it's not that i regret the past four months i'm just more focused on the shadows that it cast but i learned something this year that won't leave with december it's a growing change you feel, not something you remember so tell me what it's like to live a life behind those iron bars that have made your heart so tender at two a.m. i'm staring out my window how did this semester go so fast? it's not that i regret the past four months i'm just more focused on the shadows that it cast our bodies took the shapes of cold ice sculptures motionless, we left no trail behind now that i've figured directions, it's time for me to figure out my mind but i've thought it through i lost my sense of self when i met you maybe it wasn't there from the start, but i'd like to pretend that in my chest there beats an honest heart where were you when all i was a friend or something i knew i could trust miles away, i'll crawl into my tent i'll fall asleep, forgetting about us you were in between of what i need and what i want so i'll go grab my acoustic and just for an afternoon, we'll laugh at the sun we can talk for hours, bring a movie back to my house that we haven't seen feel like i am chained down to this couch, it's about time i came clean the running rivers in your veins won't wash away or drown your ugly past the tributaries flow out through the skin and they flow fast it's about you, it's about my insides trembling at the thought of being pleasantly happy i thought i kicked this thing a couple years ago in high school, but it seems that it came back for me this darkness feeds on grief

it's really with me now 'til i move overseas and chase the memory of home away in the sea breeze somewhere deep inside, an old friends wants to speak i listen 'cause i have no other company to keep but we gently slurred and spoke of something more than a heart blackened by the world we never saw and days when i walk alone, i wonder where you are i never seem to know i imagine that you're back in our hometown, or in europe somewhere reading 'til you fall asleep it won't be me that's in your dreams and i'm okay with that because i am on every page you read and i know you think i'm still a nervous wreck, it was just a bad year and it won't be long until we're hanging like old times, we'll sit on my porch while we deem everything to be so different now a cold suburban road gets lonelier you know when you let the radio decide where you're gonna' go and next year when i'm gone, i'll try to find some time to appreciate myself and focus on the good in life i imagine that you're back in our hometown, or in europe somewhere reading 'til you fall asleep maybe london, maybe france, i don't know who to ask or what to do with all the plans i had for us and i know you think i'm still a nervous wreck, it was just a bad year and it won't be long until a certain someone shakes a certain self-defeating place of solitude they've somehow found themselves in don't lie to me and say you won't allow yourself to feel those honest feelings now

i could see you in a casket and i don't believe you when you say "i'm not afraid", 'cause i'm afraid and i think about it everyday we push it down and throw it out distract ourselves with drugs and doubt convinced its fine, it's off our minds assure ourselves its not our time our world is a prison, but i'm happy where i am i'm missing out on nothing when nothing matters anyway accepting and realizing the inevitability is meaningless it's the problem, it's so hard [excerpt from The Stranger by Albert Camus]